sooooo funny quotes…
June 27, 2009
MELANIE MARQUEZ
- My brother is not a girl; he’s a gentleman.
- That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.
- Don’t judge my brother; he’s not a book.
- I won’t stoop down to my level.
- Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?
- ‘Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.
- Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo…Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.
- We are lovers, not fighters.
- Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.
- I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.
- Sumasakit ang migraine ko.
- Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!
- I keep my crown in the voltage.
- Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top?
- I couldn’t care a damn!
- What’s your next class before this?
- Hello, my brother Joey is out of town, would you like to wait?
- Don’t touch me not!
- You! you’re not a boy anymore! You’re a man anymore!
- Bakit ang dami mong tanong? You’re so questionable.
- You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can fool me thrice. But you can never fool me FOUR!
- Hindi ba kayo naawa sa kapatid ko…sa mga kwento nya? Di ba kayo na-PERSUAVE ng mga kwento niya? Hindi si Joey ang tipong mambubugbog ng babae…talaga lang malapit siya sa mga gulo…PRO-ACCIDENT kasi siya eh.
- Boy Abunda: O Melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong magmo-Mormon ka na? Melanie: Ah okay lang ‘yon Boy, kasi matagal na rin akong SEMI-RETARDED.
- They should talk behind the scene…
- (answering the phone) Hello. Wait a moment. Please hang yourself.
- (before Christmas) Well, I want to spend my holidays with my family most probably out of place.
- Why I will give my calling card, I’m not a call girl. (Her reply to a certain duke when the latter is asking for her calling card.)
- Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat. (During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)
- Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right)
- And the base of my observation is… (showbiz stripped May 14 GMA Ch. 7)
- At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek’s mother (whom she partly blamed for the separation). “Oo nga,” said Melanie, “pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.” She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, “And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!“
- (When asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by their houseboy) Don’t worry little angel, big angel is here.
- (On what they should do to the houseboy who molested her daughter) He should be put behind bar.
- (While waiting backstage during a noontime show after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number) Nikki, you’re so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes!
- (While she’s in Morning Girls With Kris & Korina promoting her movie with Aleck Bovick) Please watch HIRAM starring Aleck Baldwin (referring to Aleck Bovick) and myself. It’s DIRECTOR by Romy Suzara.
- (After giving birth, and an interview on The Buzz) My answers have been prayered!
- (To ex-flame Senator Lito Lapid) Hello…Huwag kang tumahol sa sarili mong bakuran noh! (In response to being misunderstood) You know, huwag kang tumahol like dogs.
SNOOKY SERNA
- Answering a question from the See-True Panel. Snooky: “Ano kasi , she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na nga pala…”
BB. PILIPINAS PILIPINAS CIRCA ’70s
Eddie Mercado: “Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win?” Finalist: “I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it would be an honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe!”
LYDIA DE VEGA
Interview after winning against PT Usha of India for the Century Dash in 1984 Asian Games. Reporter: “What happened Lydia, mukhang bumanat ka sa ending.” Lydia: “Oo nga, mabilis siya, but you know, I ran and I fast!”
Danilo Barrios
Kris Aquino: I heard sa France based ang father mo ngayon?
Danilo Barrios: Hindi po. Sa Paris.
Kris Aquino: So you’re a vegetarian?
Danilo Barrios: Opo. Kumakain din ako ng meat.
Vilma Santos
“Ang ganda ng gospel number na yon, napaka-enlighting! Teka… magpupunas lang ako, I’m sweatening!”
Again, from Vilma Santos: Excuse me, it’s not my fault anymore. It’s your fault anymore!
Angelika Jones
When asked what her role is in a new sitcom in Channel 2: “Medyo kikay ako dito pero hindi naman Over O.A.!”
VJ Heart Evangelista
Reads from a letter sender: “VJ Heart you are so charming and you are my favorite VJ! (looks at cam) Thank you! Also you are!”
Angela Velez
Announcing the Famas Awards winner: “And the Famas goes through…”
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT’S MEDICAL CHARTS at PHILIPPINE GENERAL HOSPITAL
October 1, 2007ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT'S MEDICAL CHARTS at PHILIPPINE GENERAL HOSPITAL (PGH):
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. (subukan mo kaya!)
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. (gosh where did it go?)
3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. (I bet!!!)
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. (duh???)
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. (bakit kaya?)
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides. (edi sana patay na sya ngayun kung meron)
9. She is numb from her toes down (san kaya yun aabot?)
10. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. (wow another sex video?)
11. The skin was moist and dry. (I wonder how it looks)
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. (ano ba talaga lola?)
13. Patient was alert and unresponsive. (that I have yet to see)
14. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (how did it get there)
15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. (men can be such a pain in the neck)
16. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. (Oh!)
17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (what the?!?)
18. Skin: somewhat pale but present. (lemme think)
19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. (so abnormal pala ako?)
Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department > kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms.
May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong,ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon. Mga Versions ng CT Scan:
1. "nurse saan po ba ang Siete Scan?
2. "nurse saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"
3. "nurse saan po ba CT Scalp"
4. "nurse saan po ang CT Scam?"
Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room.
"nurse saan po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T.
Marami ang gumagamit sa term na Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T"?!
Marami din kasing nagtatanong, "nurse, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?"
Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray!!! (ahahahah)
7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong nurse ng instruction sa bantay ng pasyente,
"Mister, punta Po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."
3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay.
Nagalit na ang nurse, "Mister, bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah."
Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po nurse, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon."
(Nasa Roxas Blvdang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado)!
Nang mag-rotate ako as nurse sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.
nurse: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"
Mrs: "phenobarbiedoll po." nurse: "Ah baka
po phenobarbital. " (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)
nurse: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng > anak ninyo?"
Mrs: "metromanilazole po."
nurse: "Ah baka po metronidazole. " (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)
Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)
nurse: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na Po kayo sa PACU.
Mrs: "Eh , saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?
Nurse: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?"
Mrs: "Eh sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
nurse: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang Congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)
Biglang nagtataray ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, nurse!"
nurse: "nag-seizure ang pasyente!"
nurse: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs: May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng nurse ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng Dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.
nurse: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang Sakit ng bata?"
Mrs: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."
nurse: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa Ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)
suggested titles of pinoy porn movies… so funny!
June 1, 2007sarap, ligaya at iba pa
hiyas ni kulas
anuhan
umaga na nang hinugot
ang sarap mo nene (huwag po lolo)
dinuguang tahong
jingle lang ang pahinga
budburan mo ng suka ang uhaw na lumpia
virgin pa si kuya
halinghing sa likod ng saging
inday! wala senyorita mo!
dinilaan hanggang naubos
kulang sa haplos
mahapdi (pero kaya ko pa)
sayang ang sabik
gatas ni lucas
dapa at dura
dakilang sawa
iyo ang talong, akin ang patola
lumabas na gatas
tirahan ng tirahan hanggang kamatayan
lamas sa ibaba at itaas
zipper mo bukas
pa dila
pasubo ng hotdog
lamas sa melon
ng gabing maubos ang katas
kabig ng dibdib, subo ng bibig
lulon lola (wag itapon)
mahirap abutin, pero kayang tiisin
sipsip ni nene, sarap ni rene
batihin si lolo, happy birthday!
jaclyn mo, jaclyn ko jaclyn si jack
laplapin mo beybe
biyakin mo ang kastanyas ko
uyy santa… bigboy ka pala!
ako'y magbabaging, sa mahaba mong saging
kikiam, yum yum!
funny pinoy signs…
May 21, 2007Petal Attraction - - a flower shop near U.P. Diliman
Cooking ng ina mo- a carinderia
Cooking ng ina mo rin - right across from "Cooking ng ina mo"
Pansit ng taga-Malaboni - sign along Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong
"Hump at your own risk " -Urdaneta Village, Makati (circa 1961)
Notice - NO StambayVendors -
Carry firearms inside the club -Cavite
FOR SALE -
-U.S. GALLONS big…P6.00 small..P5.00- Makati
SLOW MEN AT WORK - - PLDT sign(so much for zero backlog)
"Welcome to the Philippines - - The Only Catholic Country in Asia!" and directly underneath that sign: BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS
We Make Modern & Antique Furniture - - sign in Pampanga
"Atty. Domino Carriedo" Notary Public Tumatanggap din ho ng labada tuwing Linggo ( Also accepting laundry onSundays) - - a sign in Cebu
Please help our comfort room clean. - -self-service restaurant in Cebu
Jeepney and Bus signs "Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off." "Full string to stop driver." "God knows Hudas not pay." "For reckless driving, call ###-#####" "Don't close to me, close to God."
A Sign we found in a convent in Baguio "2nd Floor Upstairs."
"Danger Wall is Falling!" - - a sign on a cracked lopsided wall along Libis, QC.
at a bulalo restaurant in tagaytay MORE CHAIR UPTAIRS
at a gas station toilet in sucat PLEASE DON'T USE OUR URINATING TOILET
at a delivery van PRESS- DO DELAY
in a furniture shop in kamuning WE ACCEPT MADE TO ORDER ANTIQUES
at 3 sari-sari store in bulacan WALANG PAUTANG LALO NA KAY BONGBONG!
at a school in q.c. NO CLASSES ALL-LEVELS INCLUDING ELEMENTARY, HIGH-SCHOOL AND COLLEGE
backstage pass prank ALL ACCESS DENIED
Nakasulat sa pader: MARUNONG KA BANG KUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!"
in a Baguio grocery: FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE
on a house beside an auto repair shop: NO PARKING AND REPAIR HERE
signs at PHILCOA - NO CROSSING PEDESTRIANS WILL BE APPREHENDED
in Baguio Country Club - TEMPORARY CLOSE
in Cubao: NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY
on a parking lot: TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED
office clinic in Sta. Cruz: A. MORGE. MD.
along Luneta Boulevard: BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD
on Jeepney and Bus signs - BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF
on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue: WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS
on a delivery truck: NOT FOR HERE
on window of a restaurant in Baguio: WANTED: BOY WAITRESS
on a street in San Juan: BAWAL MAGTAPON NG BINALOT NA TAE RITO
grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN.
At a men's comfort room, above a urinal - HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG BAYAN
On a truck - KUNG NABABASA MO 'TO, PAG-NAUTOT AKO MAAAMOY MO
at a construction site in Mandaluyong - ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG
somewhere along San Andres: NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS
at an eatery in Cebu: WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!
nasabi mo na ba to? funny quotations…
Mag-ingat sa ating pag spokening:
"The more the manyer."
"It's a no-win-win situation."
"Burn the bridge when you get there."
"Anulled and void."
"Mute and academic."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"If worse comes to shove."
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"What are friends are for?"
"You can never can tell."
"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
"Let's give them a big hand of applause."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all."
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"Time is of ! the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"Hi. I'm <your name>, what's yours?"
"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Bahala na sila sa mga batman nila."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
"It's as brand as new."
"So… what's a beautiful girl like you?…."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?" (My personal favorite!)
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?"
